So my girlfriend wants me to eat her out and while I'm not opposed to the idea, I'm afraid that it will be unpleasant for her. I have a moustache for one and I've heard that that it can be uncomfortable for her if she shaves down there and even then i have no idea what to do. I just want to make her feel good, so can you give me some advice please?
Honestly, the best I can say is nah son. NAH. Like, listen, getting eaten out is just…its just great, you know? Its so great. I mean, Im sure there are techniques that are better than others, but like, honestly, as long as a mans tongue is between my legs I am 99% happy (that 1% is the part where I am not eating pizza. having a man eat me out while I’m eating a slice of pizza is my ultimate dream but I DIGRESS). I mean, think about it, have you ever gotten a bad blowjob? If the answer to that is yes then it musta been REALLY FUCKING BAD SON and I am so sorry you had to go through that.
But, hey, Ive never written a guide to eating out, so here goes (i’ll cover your mustache thing in a sec):
- before we even get to the oral, I need you to remember that, vaginas aint a real pretty thing. Its a sex organ, its not supposed to be pretty. They have a lot goin on, and can have a SLIGHT smell (like like the smell of skin and mucus, CAUSE DATS WHAT THE VAG IS MADE FROM). Make your girl comfortable by not freaking out by the sight of her situation. I mean, every girls worst sexual fear is for a guy to go down and come RIGHT BACK UP because hes terrified of what we have going on down there. Be nice. Dicks do not look so great either (I remember the first time a dude whipped it out on me and I almost cried) and you’d feel bad if a chick did that shit to you. PLAY NICE.
- Im so serious man make her comfortable OK. Like, once a guy made a face when he went down on me and I was like ‘wait you know what fuck you we arent gonna do this, you do not deserve my vagina if youre gonna be that way’. It takes THAT LITTLE to ruin the mood. DO. NOT. BE. AN. ASS.
- Did you get that? you sure? are you gonna respect her body and not make her feel bad for her natural sexual organs???? OK THEN MOVING ON!!!!
- that disclaimer said, do not enter this situation thinking THIS GIRL MUST CUM FROM MY TONGUE ALONE OR I AM A FAILURE unless you want to leave a loser man. The pressure will kill your game. Just roll in like ”I’m putting my face on this vagina because I want to and because I’ve already seen this week’s episode of Game of Thrones so I don’t give a wild crap if it comes in my face or not. I just wanna make this lady feel good.”
- Do not do that weird flicky shit that you see in pornos. You know, where they barely even touch the vag but they are flinging thier tongue everywhere and making alot of noise? thats stupid. do not do it.
- also do not do that thing where you FLING yourself into, all hard and shit like youre in a fucking pie eating contest. Do not just smush yourself into the vag and start waving your tongue around.
- start by making your tongue really soft and wide, flatten it out on the lips, and then proceed with slow and steady laps, like you’re eating the best ice cream cone ever. Do that really slowly for a bit.
- Sometimes your hands can feel awkward, just chillin, so let them so stuff! Wrap your arms around her thighs, grab a boob, run your fingers over her stomach, etc.
- Lick for a bit, slowly and then speed up a little bit. Do this for a while until she starts squirming around and then AIM FOR THE CLIT.
- Suck on it, lick it, press down on it with your mouth, just fucking attack it like its a spider in the bathtub. You can also choose this point to finger her a little bit. When you enter her with your fingers, insert, and on your way out curl up until you feel a little ball of flesh. Thats the gspot, this will help.
- keep your mouth on that clit for however you want. You can alternate between licking the lips to tease her if you like, but always come back to the clit. Think of the clit like a mini penis (since the clit IS used from the same tissue as a penis, has a similar cylindrical shape, and also engorges with blood JUST LIKE A DICK. mini dick.). Suck on the tip gently, like it lengthwise, press your mouth to it and move up and down slightly on it. this is the main event, act like it.
- try focusing the tip of your tongue on the clit and kind of push it back and forth like you’re trying to balance an M&M on its side.
- that should be the main event, but alternate between sucking and lip pressing occasionally.
- BUT DONT DO THE LIZARD TONGUE THING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. If you’re doing some crazy nonsense down there it just kills the mood ok.
- There’s nothing wrong with needing practice, and there’s nothing wrong with asking someone what they like. If you are unsure, pop up for a sec and just ask ‘you like that’ or whatever. If she does, I PROMISE she will beg you to continue. If not, she’ll give you instructions or ask you to finish her off with the dick. win-win.
- Here is the basic formula to eating out: start off with the slow and even rhythmic lapping as mentioned before, and then do a bit of clit action and then slow things down again. When you go from the clit attacking to slowing things down, the girl you’re fucking will probably make some sort of “no, don’t stop” noise, and then you’re gonna take 1-3 fingers and shove them in her vagina about half way, curling them up towards you and securing the tips of them on the g-spot while continuing to lap. Use your other hand to brace against her thighs, the top of her pelvis, or hell, grab a fucking boob or something. have fun.
- another good tip is like, you know when you take a BIG bite of an apple or a mango or something really juicy and your whole mouth goes into it so you can get all that juice? think of eating a girl out like that (MINUS THE BITING!!!!!). Your whole mouth has to embrace her from time to time, the labia, the clit, all of it. Do not be afraid to open your mouth.
- NO TEETH!!!! DO NOT BITE UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND EVEN THEN PLZ DON’T LIKE IDK IT COULD BE GREAT BUT SO MUCH COULD GO WRONG. If you must, a slight SLIGHT nibble is all thats needed, and only on the lips, and NOWHERE NEAR THE CLIT OH GOD JUST THINKING ABOUT IT IS MAKING ME SQUIRM.
- idk if this is just me but sometimes when a guy moans while hes eating me out I just fuckinG DIE RIGHT THERE. Not alot of moaning, mind you, but just a little here and there, like 3 times tops during the duration of the oral. Make it sound like you are eating something hella delicious or something, like that self gratified moan you make when you bite into a juice pear or something.
- DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT USE A HARD, ERECT TONGUE AGAINST THE CLIT AND LIKE, FUCKING STAB IT. THIS WILL HURT, ESP IF YOU ARE UNTIL THE HOOD. Keep the tongue loose, soft, and supple
- this should go without saying but make sure shes wet before you even attempt to put your mouth down there. get some foreplay in before the oral dude.
Thats the general formula. You’ll get better with practice, I PROMISE. I had a boyfriend who, by the grace of god, had learned within his travels these exact steps and MAN WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS ON ANOTHER PLANET WOW. Being eaten out is amazing, when done right. Do your best, and always strive to do better.
Also, read this fucking HILARIOUS lesbians guide to eating a girl out. I promise IT IS WORTH IT.
NOW ON TO YOUR MUSTACHE PROBLEMO (Im also gonna add beards in here, for beardy dudes)
- watch the stubble bro. I mean, I know its unavoidable if you shave, but make sure its moisturized (guys moisturize face hair right? RIGHT??? the should) so that its soft (splash your face with hot water to open your pores and then using a mixture that is 2 parts conditioner and 1 part lotion, moisturize your facial hair. pat dry) and keep that suck well trimmed
- beards can be a BIT of a problem, but the good thing is if they are well groomed they are soft. There is really no way around beards, so just try not to lean your chin into her skin. Actually, Ive heard that beards tickle.
- as for mustaches, remember that you have three functions while eating a girl out: the ‘biting into fruit’ phase, the ‘licking an ice cream cone’ phase and the ‘clit attck’ phase. During the fruit phase the stach shouldnt get in the way, same with the clit attack phase. The only time it comes into play is during the ice cream phase. Avoid uncomfortable friction and rubbing by keeping your mouth wide open, with your upper lip curled slightly upward. Lean your head up. When sucking, the stach cannot be avoided, so embrace it. You’d be surprised that little bit of hair can actually feel good for like, 2 secs. Not prolonged exposure, but maybe for a split second youre good. Do not stress.
- Ive been eaten out by plenty of guys, many with facial hair because I am an adult and adults have that shit, and honestly most of the time I never notice a damn thing. The softer the hair, the more pleasant/less she’ll notice.
- If she isnt shaved she prolly wont notice at all
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. This is long, but also important. READ UP. LEARN. EXECUTE.
Srsly tho, as a girl, being eaten out is just tops man. I used to be terrified of being eaten out, because I was insecure, but then I had one boyfriend insist that he do it and show me how amazing it could be and I have no looked back since. Learn to do it right and doors will open for you young padawan.